السلام عليكم
And tears came before he could stop them, boiling hot then instantly freezing on his face, and what was the point in wiping them off? Or pretending? He let them fall. (Harry Potter & the half blood prince, J.K Rowling)
Clothed in this menacingly thick melancholy, eroding all the kaleidoscope of colours. The iridescent light, the opalescence, all clouded and substituted by the immense darkness. All energy diminished.
I must admit, these days, I am turning into a monster, a beast or whatever hideous, filthy creature you could have imagined. I have no idea what is happening to me. Everyday, I would gaze and look at the magnificent night sky with mixed emotions while questioning my internal self. Feelings of bewilderment, puzzle and confusion would overwhelm me and create this utterly berserk person in me. I am so disappointed in myself! I have become so weak and powerless, to the extent of allowing all my anger and fury to overtake and manipulate my actions. Just like a ventriloquist, my feelings of outrage would control me and I, as the dumb dummy. This week had been a rough week for me. My emotions are crazy, at one point in time, I would feel so sad and the next, I would be furiously mad. As a result, I have been bickering with my father frequently and I would end up crying profusely to myself with no one ever noticing. Sometimes I wonder whether I have fulfilled my obligations and duty in being a good daughter but I doubt so. Sometimes, my intentions do not align to their perceptions & I tried to clarify to them but in the end, they would shout at me and I would feel so low- rock-bottom low. I have no idea how to balance my academc life, maintaining my personal relationships (friends, family), doing household chores and most importantly maintain my Iman for Allah SWT. I just feel that my academic life is just sucking me into this negative vortex. I really don't know how to balance all these. Sometimes, I believe that no one ever and will NEVER know how it feels like to be in my position. It appears to be easy at the surface but they don't know that deep down within, I am suffering and being inflicted with the intense pain. So there is really no point in me trying to clarify and explain cause in the end, words are merely transient, insubstantial, impermanent. From now on, it is best for me to allow silence to diffuse my tensions and anger. I would not utter a single word because in the end, words are hurtful.
I would just talk to Allah SWT everyday ( through praying), that would be better as He is the Most Undertsanding & Most Loving Lord. Only He can understand all His creatures. I love you Allah :'( Please don't ever leave me :'(
