Hijab.

"And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their husbands' fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers, their brothers' sons, their sisters' sons, their women, that which their right hands possess, or those male attendants having no physical desire, or children who are not yet aware of the private aspects of women. And let them not stamp their feet to make known what they conceal of their adornment. And turn to Allah in repentance, all of you, O believers, that you might succeed."
Surah An-Nur [24:31]

(She's so pretty, mA)

It is final. I am finally going to cover my hair by wearing a hijab and preventing myself from being subjected to the male gaze insyaAllah permanently. Well, actually I already have the intention of wearing the hijab (check my previous posts). It is just that I don't know when and how to start. I keep telling myself that "Yeah I will start once university starts" but then I started to think about death and how I can be consumed by death any minute now. I know it is abit morbid and perturbing but it is the harsh truth that everyone has to face even if they despise it. So yesterday I was supposed to go for the Praxis briefing at Masjid Sultan together with Fatin and Shahirah. Initially, I was unaware that the briefing was to be held in a mosque until Shahirah told me and asked if whether I will be wearing the hijab. So I contemplated for a moment and agreed.

When I wear the hijab, I feel so safe and wonderful and I didn't feel like taking it off after that. For the first time in my life when I walk past a group of mats and banglas, they did not even disturb me or stare at me causing me to feel uneasy. I was so comfortable and I know that Allah SWT is protecting me. So my heart suddenly told me to start wearing it already. At that moment, I still feel scared and unsure so I kept thinking about it the whole night only to find myself unable to sleep peacefully. I prayed to Allah to guide my heart and alhamdulillah my heart told me "just do it, there's no more time to waste and insyaAllah Allah will guide you once you initiate the first step." Today, I want to tell my mum that I want to wear the hijab forever but I was just too shy and scared (I have no idea why) but then I decided to get some courage and in the end, I told her that my heart is sincere about wearing the hijab. So we went to Geylang and she bought for me a couple of pashminas and shawls so that I can wear. This Saturday, I will be having a camp and insyaAllah I will be wearing the headscarf 24/7 during the camp as a test. I still feel scared that people will judge me. I still feel scared that my friends would not accept me. I still feel scared due to the obscene pictures of me without headscarf on Facebook. I still feel scared about the new change that I am undergoing but I hope that Allah will help me in this. InsyaAllah, I hope that anyone reading this please don't judge me and do not judge the sisters who are not wearing hijab. I hope Allah SWT will guide us through all this and make us into better muslims in the future. Amin ya Rabbal alamin.